7 Common Sources of ADHD Shame and How to Neutralise it

In the words of Brene Brown, “Shame is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”

Some liken shame to guilt, but guilt can sometimes be helpful by helping us hold something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values. Shame on the other hand is rarely helpful and can most of the time be responsible for destructive, hurtful behaviour.

So many of those with ADHD struggle with shame so we thought it might be helpful to look at why that is and ways that you can neutralise those feelings.

Most Common Sources of ADHD Shame

There are countless reasons why individuals experience shame, each experience being unique to them. However, those most talked about experiences of shame include:

• ADHD Scepticism.

The legitimacy of ADHD has always been under scrutiny, and you will have no doubt heard the phrases “everyone’s got ADHD these days”, or “it’s not ADHD, he just needs some discipline.” Hearing these comments often will understandably start to have an impact on the legitimacy of your diagnosis and possibly force you to hide your tendencies in a bid to “get your act together.”

The key to overcoming this scepticism is to confront it. Familiarise yourself with the most common ADHD myths and dispel them with authenticity and wit.

• Stigma & Ignorance.

Myths, stigma, bigotry, and ignorance around a neurobiological disorder led many to believe that there is something inherently wrong with those who have ADHD. Medical professionals and the scientific community can dispel this perception but those who don’t have the condition will not feel the need to educate themselves so richly.

The key here is to educate yourself as much as possible on the neuroscience of ADHD and the complexities of the brain. This also helps with the scepticism we spoke about earlier.

• Self-Loathing.

Those with ADHD will feel like they mess things up more than usual, especially when the same mistakes are made over and over again. This can create feelings of hopelessness, incapability, and self-hate.

Understanding yourself is key here, including what your triggers are. It could be not feeling understood by a loved one or the raise of an eyebrow by being late, whatever it is, understand why it triggers you and put steps in place to stop the self-loathing thoughts. It could be taking a deep breath, taking yourself out of the environment briefly, and most importantly forgiving yourself for the small misstep you made whilst you were doing the best you could.

• To Medicate or Not to Medicate.

There can be a stigma around taking medication, especially with ADHD. This comes back to the legitimacy of having ADHD and potentially taking something to correct a disorder that many don’t believe exists. The individual's thinking can also be a big factor in whether to take medication to control their ADHD, thinking they can handle it on their own, however, the benefits of ADHD medication are enough to supersede the shame for many people, but not everyone.

Listen to trusted medical professionals or an ADHD specialist, and your own body. That way, you have the two most important sources of information to help decide on what works best for you.

• Being “Too Much”.

Having too many emotions, being oversensitive, talking too much, or just an overall feeling of being too much is something that those with ADHD live in fear of. This directly links back to feeling embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed about how they have acted in certain situations.

Reframing your negative self-talk is an important part of changing the mindset of being “too much”. Having ADHD can often make you feel like a criticism magnet, if there is a hint of criticism within the conversation, you will grab hold and take it on as your own. Start to understand when the words from another person are instructive, not critical.

• A Tendency to Lie.

The tendency to lie often comes from mistakes that have previously been made and trying to cover them up to gain the trust of another person. This is not something that is taken lightly by the ADHD individual, often lying comes with an intense feeling of self-hatred.

Sharing your secrets with others is the first step to demolishing isolation and secrecy. This requires being vulnerable and admitting to your lie and though this may be scary, maybe try broaching the subject with someone you feel comfortable with first off.

·      Money Troubles.

This problem leads directly to the impulsivity aspect of ADHD. Overspending is a big source of shame which is often compounded by the fact that those with ADHD very often don’t earn as much as neurotypical individuals. Lying about and hiding money troubles perpetuates shame further.

Utilise free money management tools to help you plan, track, and stick to a budget to keep you out of debt and free up brain space to focus on other things.

Get the Help You Need from a Private ADHD Clinic in Manchester

Understanding yourself, your ADHD, and how you can use your unique traits and personality to your advantage, and also understanding that you make up the rich, diverse tapestry that makes this world interesting is a good place to start.

Getting the help you need to do this is paramount and our team here at Beyond, a private ADHD clinic in Manchester can help. We are a private clinic offering ADHD assessments for adults and children with extensive expertise in assessing and diagnosing ADHD.

Start your journey into banishing shame and contact your private ADHD clinic in Manchester today.